A seven-year-old little girl was excited when she went to Disney World for the first time. She headed straight for Space Mountain. Her parents were worried that the roller coaster would be too scary for her, but she insisted. To her delight, she rode it twice. The next year the family returned to Magic Kingdom, and the little girl, now eight, again raced to Space Mountain.
As they stood in line, though, the little girl was soberly studying the signs that warn about the ride's speed.
"Dad," she said, "I don't think I want to go."
Her dad asked her why she would be nervous when she had enjoyed herself last time.
She replied, "This year I can read better!"
Space Mountain
Satisfying girlfriend
A young man had a new girl friend, whom he wanted to impress, so he invited her to go to a world famous restaurant with him one evening. They dined wonderfully and had numerous drinks; they danced until midnight, and there was a polished musical entertainment. The girl enjoyed the entire evening, and was suitably impressed by everything she saw, including several film stars. Then the waiter brought the bill at the end of the evening, and when the young man saw how much he had to pay, he was so socked by the total that he went as white as a sheet.
After the Office Party
After the annual office party blow-out, Colin woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "Tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn.
"You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire senior management and insulted the Regional Director General to his face."
"He's an a**hole. I should have pissed on him."
"You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" yelled Colin.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
KISS-a-me
A man and his wife were driving their RV across the country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as they
drove into the town.
Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress:
"My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand."
The waitress looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."
Good advice
Soldiers are trained to jump from areoplanes. They have parachutes that open in the air so that they can fall safely to the ground.
A sergeant was once instructing his soldiers. One of them ask him: "What must I do if the parachute does not open when I jump out?"
"Oh, that's all right. You just bring it back and you'' get another one," said the sergeant.
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Liars
A soldier went to his C.O., a colonel, and askd leave to go home because his wife was ill.
"I don't like to refuse, John," said the CO, "but as a matter of fact, I've just had a letter from your wife saying she was allright now and, therefore, leave is not necessary".
The man saluted and turned to go. At the door he stopped, turned and remarked: "Colonel, there are two whopping liars in this regiment, and I'm one of them. I'm not married".Circulated by Happy Life
Cow Case
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in
a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's
prize bull was missing from the section through
which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted
to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice
of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered
the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of
court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and
finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he
was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took
the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating
a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You
know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one
over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case.
The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the
caboose when the train went through your ranch that
morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand.
I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young
feller, I was a little worried about winning that case
myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."
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Serving the public
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the
station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours
ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept
into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his
wife sleepily sat up and said, "Honey, would you go down to the
all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin?
I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said. Feeling his way across the dark
room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said
the pharmacist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer
Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, sure. So?" said the officer.
"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire
Chief?"
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Why Can't We All Just Get Along?
Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the
window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before
takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the
two physicians.
The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was
settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think
I'll get up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's
shoe and spat in it.
When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That
looks good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was
gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat in
it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the
flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet
into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our
professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in
shoes and pissing in cokes?"
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RoboTeacher
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.
On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
He had no trouble with discipline that term.Circulated by Happy Life
ADJUSTING TO MARRIED LIFE
He says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..."
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a
beer."
The wife says to him, "You want a beer, my love?" Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, "Yes, loolie loolie... but the bar... you know... the frozen glass..."
He doesn't get to finish the sentence, when thewife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"
She takes a huge beer mug out of the freezer so frozen that she is getting the chills holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at
the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: buffalo wings, nachos mushroom caps, chicken strips, etc.
"But sweet honey... at the bar... you know... the swearing, the
dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, cutie pie?...
DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR FROZEN FUCKING MUG AND EAT YOUR FUCKING DAMN SNACKS BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE!! GOT IT ASSHOLE?!!"
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ASKING PERMISSION
"Sir, your daughter says she loves me, and she can t live without me, and she wants to marry me."
"And you re asking my permission to marry her?"
"No, I m asking you to make her leave me alone."
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HE WANTED AD RESPONDENT
RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:
1. WON T BEAT ME UP
2. WON T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"
"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I ve got no arms, so I can t beat you up and I ve got no legs, so I can t run away."
The old woman asked, "What makes you think you re so great in bed?"
To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn t I?"
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GOD AND EVE IN THE GARDEN
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God... "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What s the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I m just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I m sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What s a man, Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He ll lie,cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he ll give you a hard time. But, he ll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly aroused, but since you ve been complaining, I ll create him in such in a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He ll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won t be too smart, so he ll also need your advise to think properly.”
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"What s the catch, Lord?"
"Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition."
"What s that, Lord?"
"As I said, he ll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring . . . So you ll have to let him believe that I made him first . . . So, just remember . . . it s our secret . . . Woman to woman."
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TWO NUNS IN AN ALLEY
Two nuns went out of their convent to sell cookies. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical and the other one was known as Sister Logical. It was getting dark and they were still far away from the convent.
Sister Logical: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?
Sister Mathematical: Yes, I wonder what he wants.
Sister Logical: It s logical. He wants to rape us.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do, of course, is to walk faster.
Sister Mathematical: It s not working.
Sister Logical: Of course it s not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.
Sister Mathematical: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
Sister Logical: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I ll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent and was worried about what had happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister
Logical arrived, breathless and flushed.
Sister Mathematical: "Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!"
Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn t follow us both, so he followed me.
Sister Mathematical: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
Sister Logical: I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
Sister Mathematical: And?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, dear! What did you do?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, no! What happened then?
Sister Logical: Isn t it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run much faster than a man with his pants down........
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DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE
A strained voice called out through the darkened theater,"Please, is there a doctor in the house?!"
Several men stood up as the lights came on.
An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her,"Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a good girl?"
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BEFORE I MARRY SARAH
Patient: "Doctor, before I marry Sarah next Saturday, there s something I d like to get off my chest."
Doctor: "What s that?"
Patient: "A tattoo saying I love Alice. "
I’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR THE PERFECT GIRL
A friend asked me the other day why i never got married.
I replied "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman... I guess I ve been looking for the perfect girl."
"Oh, come on now," said my friend. "Surely you have met at least one girl
that you wanted to marry."
"Yes, there was one girl... once. I guess she was the one perfect girl -- the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything... I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."
"Well, why didn t you marry her?" asked my friend.
I shrugged my shoulders and replied, "She was looking for the perfect man."
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WHAT DO YOU GET FOR 25$ ?
George and Harriet were married twenty-five years. They decided to celebrate with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt, became very friendly. George brushed her off rather rudely. Harriet objected, "George, she was nice, that young woman, and you were so rude."
"Harriet, she s a prostitute."
"I don t believe you. That sweet young lady?"
"Let s go up to our room and I ll prove it."
In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for Bambi to come to room 1217.
"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough
to hear us, okay?" She did. Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.
"So, I see you re interested after all," she said.
George asked, "How much do you charge?"
"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."
George was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25."
Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can
buy sex for that price."
"Well," said George, "I guess we can t do business.Goodbye."
After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. "I just can t believe it."
George said, "Let s forget it. We ll go have a drink, then eat dinner."
At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George
pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"
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UGLY BABY
A woman gets on a bus holding a baby.
The bus driver says, "That s the ugliest baby I ve ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said: "Why, he s a public servant and shouldn t say things to insult passengers."
"You re right" she said. "I think I ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That s a good idea" the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
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